Learning to trust again after a broken relationship

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Intro Hook: To start a relationship on a real foundation of trust is so crucial because if you don’t have trust, let’s be honest, what have you got? A facade. Because if you’re second guessing everything that your partner’s doing, or if they’re second guessing everything that you’re doing, it’s just not a healthy environment. And it’s certainly not one that I want to be within. 

Hello,Curlfriends, welcome back to the curl squads curlpower podcast with me, Zoe Fox. If you’re new here, welcome. I always appreciate a new listener. So big love from me. If you’re wondering what we talked about on the podcast, it’s a conversation really of a therapeutic nature that just explores our journeys into self love, and really stepping into our potential, doing the work to just figure out who we are and what we’re here to do. And shaken off the shackles of European beauty standards and just stepping into our true power. You’ll hear a lot from me and my experience. But I’m also really looking forward to getting some guests back on board again soon. We’ve just started recording in a new studio. So I’m trying to get a few things set up so that we can have some, some guests coming into the studio. So yeah, that will be coming. Or very soon. As you’re listening to the podcast, if you find anything that resonates or if somebody springs into your mind that you think, oh, you know what, I think? I think they might like this podcast, I would truly appreciate it. If you share. I think one of the challenges that we have as underrepresented women is getting our voices heard. So I’m here shouting from the rooftops to try and yeah, just share a little bit of my personal experience and that of my guests. So yeah, if you feel moved to, I would definitely appreciate it if you would share us on your social media, or share us with somebody that you know might benefit from the conversation. You can find us on Instagram at the curl squad. You can find me on Instagram at Zoe e dot Fox. We’re also on Facebook. Twitter’s a bit dry. But we’re there to regular listeners of the podcast will know that I’ve got a spinal cord injury, which I sustained at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. Oh, what a time, what a time to experience a life changing injury. I don’t think there’s ever a good time, but that was definitely most inconvenient. But I had an appointment yesterday with my consultant back over at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital. And it was a very interesting conversation, I learned some stuff that I didn’t know before, we spoke a little bit more about my MRI scan and the pain, I’m still experienced him. One of the joys of spinal cord injury is depending on which level you end up with your injury app, but it can damage things like your bladder, your bowels, your sensation, your movement, your strength. So it covers quite a lot of things. So it was good to get back in a room with my consultant just to talk about some of my outstanding issues. But he did give me a little bit of hope. When he said that he thinks that maybe in about five years, between three to five years time, I might be able to put this behind me. So I’m just staying really hopeful. And I’d appreciate any positive vibes sent my way for healing. So it will definitely be a huge lesson that I’ve learned in life through this experience. And a lesson that I’m grateful for as difficult as it has been to be honest. But yeah, I’m just gonna keep focused on the healing and the possibility. And that’s what I just love to do really is just to explore the possibilities within life. And if you haven’t heard me talking about my journey of my spinal cord injury, I have got some episodes on that. And I’ll drop the links to those in the show notes.

 04:15

So in last week’s episode, I spoke to you about my experience of being in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship and what it’s what it was like for me to give away my power to the point where I had nothing left for myself. Again, I will drop the link to that in the show notes. So you can check that out if you haven’t heard it already. But in this episode, I wanted to focus on the point in my life, that everything started to change for the better. I’d say the last boyfriend that I had the one with the class A addiction and the one that left me in debt was probably one of my lowest points and I’ve had a few low points but uh, most Generally, I was on a knife edge, when we’d finished, I was very nervous, very anxious, he’d given some hints and stuff that, you know, he would kill himself, or do some other sort of damage when I left him. So I was really quite nervous about what he could potentially do. He’d eroded my trust, he’d killed my confidence. And I was just a real shadow of my former self. So since my boyfriend died in 2002, up until this catastrophic relationship that ended in around 2010, all of the trauma that I’d been holding down and basically ignoring through just going out and partying hard, was all bubbling up to the surface, all of the things that I’d been trying to run away from catching up with me, I had nowhere to run, my body was feeling the physical effects of now living with generalized anxiety disorder, constantly live in in, in a state of fight or flight, my adrenals were just like super drained. I was living with constantly restricted breathe in, which then causes you to hyperventilate, because I’m trying to breathe, and I just can’t get a deep enough breath. So then every time I’m trying to breathe, it’s like just this really consciously restricted breathing, that I just couldn’t, I just couldn’t get deep enough breath, which then sets your body into this, this constant cycle of adrenaline. I wasn’t having a good time, I was having panic attacks and just deeply depressed at this point. He’d ruined my life. And I’d let him do that. And now all of the ghosts of the past were, were here, waiting for me to face. But I barely had the strength to do that. And as far as men were concerned, I was over them. Didn’t want nothing to do with them couldn’t trust them. Just yeah, written them off as absolute trash in my head. But how could I have been so deluded to believe that I could have my happy ending? To believe that there were other men out there that were like my dad, who were kind and caring and considerate? And it’s just all a lie, isn’t it? Because these guys don’t exist? I mean, as a woman, could you imagine having a son that goes out and treats other women like that. So at this point, I’m also working in the bank, things are just yeah, go from bad to worse, I’m struggling to show up properly at work and management are coming down on me and I spoke a bit about this in one of my episodes, as well, which again, all of these I will link in the show notes. And at this point, I did actually start entering into some therapy, which was a whole life changing event. I’m living with my friends now at her flat, just really trying to start to heal and start trying to help myself to feel safe again. So I’m catching a little vibe, the sun shining, I’m playing some tunes, I started posting the tunes that I was listening to on Facebook, some 90s r&b jams. Yeah. Wasn’t really thinking anything of it. And then I noticed there’s a guy that I know. And we were also friends on Facebook. And I noticed he started playing some tunes, like posting some tunes on Facebook. And I was like, what a coincidence. Sounds like he’s playing some similar tunes. Anyway, I didn’t think too much of it. And then we had a mutual friend at the time, who sort of told me that this guy, let’s call him came, might be a little bit interested. But at this point, I’m like, Hell to the no, like, just men in general. No, men in the music industry. A big help to the no, like, get away from me. I wanted to defend myself with like a big 10 foot barge pole kind of thing. I was just like, nah.

 09:10

But anyway, the last thing I wanted at this point, because this was only like, but only been a few months out of this hellhole of a relationship. Last thing I wanted was any other man in my vicinity whatsoever. This was my time now to heal and breathe and try and find myself again after what had just been a hellish. I was gonna say a couple of years, but let’s call it a couple of decades. It was finally my time. And because I was working in the city, I was like, you know, working hard. During the week on a Thursday night, it was that sort of drink culture, we’d go out we’d get drunk. Go home with a takeaway, wake up with chips on my pillow, just like, you know. Still not really facing my demons. Still looking for that escape. Because the pain of the reality was just too difficult to sit with, but I had known Kane for quite a long time. And I always thought of him as a really sweet, really humble guy, just something about his energy was always really grounded, really centered. And I’d always really admired him. And we work together at a few clubs because he’s in the music industry as a DJ, promoter, producer. So we’d worked at a few get a few events together. And there been a couple of sort of like, little moments like in the booth where we’re just sort of patting each other or when we’re on the stairs and just catching a little glance. In fact, we were both at a house party together, and I cooked some of my famous salt fish fritters. And I think it’s fair to say he was feeling the fritters because I was standing at the cooker, frying them up at my friend’s house, and the turn round and the way that the man is just looking at me like he loves me. I was like, it’s just the fritters. It’s just the frit. But anyway, so we had these sort of little passive moments, but because I was just not in that headspace, I wasn’t really thinking like that. Anyway, the weeks were passing, and then we started chatting, and then the conversation sort of went on to WhatsApp. And this energy was just taken over. And I felt so light. And something within me really wanted to trust him, because I could sense that he was different. But bear in that in mind, the guy that I went out with before, I’d also known him for a while, as well as a friend. And then he turned into a total toad. So I was still quite hesitant to trust. But there was still something very different about cane. I remember it was sort of around, I think it was around the march. And so we’re just coming into spring. So there’s that spring light energy, that new life energy, you know, plants are springing in, and I just love the energy of spring. And then there’s this little momentum going now, he and I are exchanging messages all the time, and chatting until like five in the morning. And I’m like, Oh, my God, I’ve got to get up and go to work in a bit. But it was just really long conversations. And at this point, we weren’t speaking to each other on the phone, it was all just WhatsApp chat, really getting to know each other. I learned a lot about him, he learned a lot about me, I told him that I was very resistant to enter into anything because of the damage that had been done to me throughout the years have less than ideal situations with men. But I really felt a trust, building with him. So anyway, we went on for quite some time in these back and forth conversations and music was definitely a big link between us. And then one day, we finally decided to arrange a date, but the whole time I can feel myself falling for this guy. I’m also worried about the acts, because he made it quite clear to me that there will be consequences of my behavior. So I was quite anxious about that. But I was going with this feeling because it was feeling good. And it was feeling bright. So after a few months of courtship, through WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger, we decided to arrange a date. So I was actually scared to go out because the ex didn’t live too far from where I was now living, or his parents didn’t. So I was really quite anxious. So anyway, but this is the sort of hold that he had on me, despite the fact that our relationship was done, dead and buried. had been that way for months now.

 14:02

I was still frightened. And this is this is what happens when you get broken down by these guys. And I’m sure there’s women that do this to other women as well. But I’m just speaking from my experience. I was basically too scared to go out and eat anywhere in case we got spotted. So I was like, you know, come round. And we can have a chat and whatnot. So he came round and when he came round, honestly, this guy, honestly, I could just cry about how sweet this guy is. He bought sweet peas because he knew that I absolutely love sweet peas. He basically just came around with a bag of goodies of all the things that he’d sort of observed that I said that I liked or loved. And he came around and we sat down in the living room and we were just chatting, chatting, chatting and I remember just sort of like looking at him really soaking in his face and his energy and just think In this guy is different, I can feel it. I’m actually getting emotional as a second. It’s because there was something about the energy that was so strong. And I remember just when there was shutters in the, in the living room and looking at and seeing this big, almost full moon and the light just beaming in and just this real moment of connection. But not once did he ever cross any boundaries make me feel uncomfortable. He was just respectful, every step of the way. So yeah, after that first day, something beautiful began to blossom. I trusted him. I wanted to let my heart trust, I didn’t want to allow the experience of the past to prevent me from being willing. You know, I was still in my mind, I’m gonna drop and run at the first sign that anything is a mess. But let me just trust this. And I was just absolutely glowing with lie about how this guy was making me feel. And I remember saying to my mom, our mom, there’s this guy. My mom’s like, What do you mean, there’s this guy? I was like, No, honestly, he’s really nice, are you have just been through hell. And now you’re looking at, I was just like, ah, and my mum. My mum is not easy when she wants to be. But it’s all from a place of love. And obviously, she sent me her daughter go through absolute hell and back. So she’s not going to want to see me go running up into any other situations. So yeah, mom wasn’t best impressed. My dad sort of a little bit more level. So he never really gives too much away in that respect. But yeah, mom wasn’t happy. I remember Kane and I arranged in a day in Brighton. And this was going to be the first time that we were going to go somewhere together. And I was like, Yeah, we’re going to Brighton and we’re going to get a hotel. What do you mean, you get in a hotel, my mom, you’re going to go and stay in a room with this man. And it’s not going to be anything like that. You know what I mean? We’re just going to go and have a nice time. And we need somewhere to stay. And so we went to Brighton and we just had the most amazing time and the weather was beautiful. And everything just felt like, like my heart just felt like, you know, this is everything is right, everything is good. And everything is it’s meant to be I’m feeling the feelings that I always thought that love was going to feel like but this was all happening quite quickly. And then we’re on the PR and then we bumped into somebody that we know. And we were trying to be all Cova. And it was like our, this is going to be out in in no time now. So at this point, I’m still living in fear of the X. But came was like, Listen, you don’t have to, you don’t have to worry about a thing. We’re going to phone him or you’re gonna phone him. And you’re going to tell him that we are together. And you don’t have to have you don’t have to worry about a single thing. So I did, I made that call. Oh gosh, I’ll never forget. And he absolutely kicked off and was as dramatic as I expected him to be. But I felt more empowered. And I felt safe knowing that someone had my back. And for me, it was good to just energetically cut those ties. Like, I’m starting to feel the happiest I felt ever. I don’t want this ex who didn’t have any respect for me at the time, we were together to hold me back from happy future. So I cut the cord. And it felt good.

 18:32

So I still had this situation of my mom, like my mom was in a mood because she was giving me the cold shoulder a little bit because she didn’t want to see me getting her again. And I was like, You know what, the only way for this to not be a thing is for her to meet him. So I was like, right, we need to go to Birmingham, and I need to introduce him to my parents. And as soon as they feel his energy and catch his vibe, they’ll know that he’s all good because my mum, my mum’s very intuitive. And she knows who’s good people and who’s not. And she didn’t like the last one. She? She said, Well, I never liked him anyway. Yeah, I mean, your dad never liked him anyway. So I was just thinking about I know for a fact that she will like Cain, she just needs to, we need to get them in the same room. So we did, we arranged a trip to Birmingham. I introduced him to the family. And just as I predicted, once they met him, they loved him. And yeah, that was good for me. Now I’ve got my family on board. I’m feeling happy. And 10 years later, I’m still the happiest I’ve ever been 10 years later, this guy has still never let me down a day since. I remember at the bank, one of my friends James. He was like as the honeymoon period over here is they’re always asking me if the honeymoon period was over yet. I was like no, no, it’s not. And 10 years later, we’re still going strong. I get butterflies when I think about him. He has really helped me to step into my power, being with Kane gave me some real stability. And just safety after what had been a turbulent was the eight years or so from when my boyfriend died to getting out of this relationship. And the safety that he gave me really allowed me to then start to be able to heal. I’m not having to deal with uncertainty all the time, I know where I’m standing. So I started to decompress, taking myself out of these situations that were just constantly provoking my deep anxiety, being in a relationship with somebody who’s super unstable, just constantly leaving you in a state of uncertainty, when you’ve already got generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and deep, deep wounds of abandonment, after my boyfriend died, and a whole host of other problems as a result of my experience, which is not conducive to a healing environment. And the difference for me in getting into the relationship with Cain was deep down in my heart, I knew that it felt right. Unlike the last relationship where my soul was just like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. This time, everything there was just like this warm glow of bright white light that surrounded us. And it just felt like it was meant to be. But what’s funny is, a few years back before Kane and I got together, I actually interviewed him at an event in Spain. And he said from that point, that he felt the electricity, even though I was totally oblivious to it. But he said he felt a little spark and a connection from them. And that he just knew that we were meant to be. And here we are 2022, still, Truly, Madly, Deeply in love after everything that we’ve been through. And we have been through a lot, as a couple, we’ve seen a lot. And we’ve done a lot of healing together. jumping from one dead relationship into another relationship isn’t necessarily ideal. But what I love about my relationship with Cain is, as I said, that safety, that security that allowed me to heal, that really held space for me to get to know myself, to know what life was like without having to worry about a man that is not trustworthy, or that is going to betray me, or that is going to rob me to have a guy who is just steady and calm and working on himself, building himself to be the best version of himself, just provided me with the containment for me to do that for myself, too. He supported me through my therapy, he supported me through my journey into studying to be a counselor at uni. It was just a level of support that I hadn’t been accustomed to. And a trust, you know, somebody who allows me to have friends that are guys and knows that that’s all that it is. It doesn’t mean that, you know, I fancy him because he’s a man and he fancies me because I’m a woman.

 23:17

Just these real basic things, you know, that insecure men make you believe when actually you find a man who knows himself. And these things just aren’t a problem. And Trust is everything. And I’m so grateful to be in a relationship where we can both just trust each other. Like, I don’t have any doubts in my mind about him. And I know he doesn’t have any doubts about Me. And to be able to start a relationship on a real foundation of trust is so crucial. Because if you don’t have trust, let’s be honest, what have you got a facade because if you’re second guessing everything that your partner’s doing, or if they’re second guessing everything that you’re doing, it’s just not a healthy environment. And it’s certainly not one that I want to be within. We actually ended up moving in quite quickly together because as I mentioned before, I’ve moved in with my friend, but now she was moving out. So I was like, Oh, what am I gonna do move back to Brahma don’t really want to do that. And so yeah, we ended up moving in with each other quite early, which could have been disastrous, but because we were such a good fit, it just worked beautifully. And then a couple of years later, he asked my daddy for my hand in marriage over a lovely Balti in Birmingham. What better way to do it if you want to woo a bra, me and her dad? Take them for a curry, and then ask the dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. So yeah, in a couple of weeks, wait, well, next month will be our eighth wedding anniversary. And honestly, I could just cry every time I think about Cain because I love him so much and He’s taught me so much. And like I say, he’s just provided a really stable environment for me to be able to grow and flourish. And he encourages me every step of the way, is always trying to help me to pull out my strength, the best qualities within myself, always pushing me to be more to do more to tap into my potential. He’s my biggest cheerleader. And I’m deeply, deeply grateful to him, especially through everything that we’ve been through with my spinal cord injury and through our infertility journey, that’s going to be another episode coming up soon. But yeah, just job less for the real ones. So finally, after a couple of really rough decades, I started to find my happiness. I started to see the beauty in life again. I started healing. But it really made me aware of what I was attracting into my life. Really through the vibration that I was on, because I was not in a good vibration. I was low, I was anxious, I was edgy, I was angry, I was upset, I was emotional. The generalized anxiety disorder constantly clouding my judgment. The adrenaline that was consistently pumping through my body was exhausting me. And I was so beat down, that I was accepting stuff that I should have. I should have put a stop to from a long time ago. And yet, of course, there’s men out there that are absolute trash. But does that mean that all men are trash? Does that mean that we should harden our hearts and never trust again, this is where I think our personal power comes into it. I could have started entering into this relationship with Kane, and started seeing the red flags. And if I’d seen red flags, and carried on with the relationship, then what have I just learned from my whole last experience nothing. So this is where personal responsibility comes into it. I need to be responsible for the decisions that I’m making in my life. life’s experience can harden us. But if we then enter into the world with that expectation that everybody’s going to treat us like crap, is that the energy that we’re putting out there, that anticipation that everything we meet is going to be disastrous. But I took the time to just tap into my intuition a little bit and feel the energy out. Because I think if we are able to find a little bit of time and space where we can just really tune in with ourselves and be honest about whether something feels right or not.

 27:58

And make decisions based on that. Whereas before in the past, I’ve found myself in situations that were like a big red flags. No, no, no, don’t do it. Don’t do it. And I’m like, Okay, let’s do it. No wonder I had to find out the hard way. But if we can just tune into the subtle energies that are giving us hints about whether something is right or wrong. And if we can maintain enough personal power, so that we know that if something doesn’t suit our highest purpose, or if something isn’t serving us, that we can find the strength to call time on it. before it becomes a problem to our experience. And it’s easy to become a victim to life and all of the crap that happens. And I know as much as anyone that life, it’s not always easy. But within that within the stuff that happens to us, we have our personal responsibility to ourselves and for ourselves. And we can make decisions that either support us or they don’t. So I’m wondering, do you have a hardened heart as a result of your life experience? Are you still willing to trust off the back of some of the things that have happened to you that have been less than ideal? Or have you learned how to harness your personal power to call time on situations that are not serving you? One of the biggest lessons that my crazy life experience has taught me is that life is a game. And the objective is to pursue joy. And if it doesn’t feel good, and if it doesn’t feel right, and if it doesn’t make you feel joy, then what’s the point? So now I’m more inclined to if it doesn’t feel right, if it doesn’t feel good, if it doesn’t feel like it’s in congruence with with where I’m at and where I’m going. It’s okay to call time on situations that are not serving your purpose. So what is it you’re looking Before in life, what do you want to be the defining features of your experience here on the short time that we’ve got on Earth? I’m out here pursuing joy. What are you pursuing?

30:15

So, girlfriend, thank you very much for listening to the episode, I hope you enjoyed it. Perhaps you’ve had relationships that have been less than ideal and you’re thinking back at her, maybe you should have called time on them a little bit sooner, or perhaps you’ve been fortunate, and I’ve never met a scumbag like I have. But it’s, you know, it’s all part of the process. It’s otter taught me some really valuable lessons in life. I wish I could have shortcut some of those lessons, which is why I think there’s value in sharing some of my experience, because there might just be one person out there that hears this and thinks, you know what, yeah, I’m in a situation that’s less than ideal. Let me just call time on that now and pursue some joy. Speaking of pursuing Joy, I am busily working away in the background at the moment, trying to pull lots of different things together. I’m a bit of a one man band trying to make it all happen. But I’m on a real mission at the moment to create a healing ecosystem for underrepresented women. So that we are just holding space for personal transformation. Because I believe so strongly in the potential of women to overcome their challenges and really start to live lives that they know that they deserve, because that was me. And now I feel like I’m finally starting to live a life that I deserve, after many years of less than ideal situations. So I’m going to be working on a few different things. So we’ve got the podcast where we have a beautiful therapeutic conversation, speaking about some of the different challenges and trials that come up in life. I’m also going to be working on some events, retreats and workshops, so we can start to come together and connect. We’ve also obviously got the clothing arm of the curl squad, where the clothing just represents a sense of community and solidarity. I’ll be expanding on the range at some point in the future. And then there’s going to be the programs and workshops that are going to be curated to help support women taking steps to really figuring out where they’re going, what they’re doing, tapping into their passion, and just making good of their dreams, putting in the practical steps to to bring their passion projects to flourish. So I think yeah, it’s about high time, I put together all of my knowledge and experience that I’ve gained throughout the years, both personally and professionally, to create something that’s really going to help other women out there. So yeah, keep your eyes peeled on the website, which is the curl squad.com. And on the socials. As I mentioned earlier, you can catch us at the curl squad, you can find me at so we dot e dot Fox. And if you’re listening to the podcast and you’d like to collaborate, you think we’re maybe a good fit, and you’d like to collaborate on one of the events. Yeah, get in touch and let me know what you do. And just a little bit about your story and, and how we might be able to work together. You can email me at info at the curl squad. It’d be great to connect. Right then girlfriend that’s quite enough for me. I hope you have a great week ahead, sending you big, big love from the bottom of my heart. Peace out and I’ll catch you then